How to deal with gender disappointment
Two of my girlfriends found out the sex of their babies this week. One wanted a girl and is having her second boy. The other wanted a boy is having her third girl. This is the last pregnancy for both.
Both cried. Both expressed frustration, guilt, sadness, and regret.
All I could say is, “I know. I know. Believe me, I know.”
Wanting one sex and getting another - especially more than once - is a lonely experience. Almost without exception, husbands don’t really understand. They want to fix it or talk you out of it. At one point, I think Nicholas tried some form of scared straight.
That did not work.
Often, well-meaning friends and family say things that only make you feel worse. “A healthy baby is most important!” “A boy will love his mother forever.” “Girls are drama!” People want to make you feel better. However, I’m here to tell you.
That does not work either.
It is so hard to make someone understand. My experience with Griffin is pretty unique so it’s difficult to separate how I felt when I found out he was a boy with how I found out. However, with Amos, I remember the wave of emotions that swept over me the second the tech announced it was a boy. It was like I was celebrating and grieving all at the same time.
I loved this little boy immediately. I did not feel one ounce of anger or frustration with having another boy. I felt sadness and despair at NOT having a girl, if that makes any sense. I knew I was MAYBE going to have one more trip around the bend, but that seemed eons away as I laid on that table. In that moment, I was celebrating being the mother of another little boy, while grieving the fact I might never be a mother of a daughter.
The emotions aren’t as strong as they were that day. However, I still struggle every time a friend announces she’s pregnant with a little girl or my Facebook feed fills with little pink bows and tutus.
Advice for anyone dealing with gender disappointment
So, for all of you crying through ultrasounds or touching little pink or blue sleepers with longing, here’s my advice.
- Feel what you feel and don’t feel bad about it. Trying to run from or bury emotions never works. Ever. You can’t talk yourself out of feeling sad, unless it’s on a therapist’s couch.
- Find a friend who understands. Heck, you all have my email address (and Leslie's). I’m turning into quite the go-to-girl on this subject. I know you still love the little baby in your belly and that you are thankful it’s healthy. However, I also know that you have to mourn the son or daughter you might not ever have.
Advice for talking to someone dealing with gender disappointment
If you’ve never felt these emotions (especially if you don’t have a uterus to begin with!), here’s some tips on what to say and NOT say.
- Don’t try to convince the person the gender they are having is actually better. It’s not a competition and they wouldn’t believe you even if it was.
- Don’t say anything about the health of the baby. Trust me, she already feels guilty enough about having a healthy baby and feeling this way.
- DO be empathetic and kind. Repeat after me. “I know you are really upset. I can’t promise I’ve felt the same way but I’m here to listen if you ever need to talk.”
In a way, gender disappointment is a good introduction to motherhood generally. It’s harder than you imagined but an understanding girlfriend usually helps.
~ Sarah Stewart Holland
23 Comments
Reader Comments (23)
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for this post. I struggled a lot with this issue and felt horrible guilt for a really long time. You managed to put all of my thoughts into words, and the advice portion at the end should be read by every person everywhere. :) Great work!
Emily, that makes me so so happy to hear! It's always good to know you aren't alone. :)
I'm confused. Prior to this post S/N wrote Bad Ads: Socialization, Stereotypes & Our Kids. A piece about where you want to make sure your children do not fall in to the stereotypical gender expectations however you say in this piece that you long for a daughter and struggle over little pink bows and tutus on your Facebook feed. If you are fighting against stereotypical gender expectations, why should having a boy or a girl matter? Why do you struggle with seeing girly things for girls when you have already stated you are against that?
I'm the mother of two girls and never focused on having one or the other. I was just happy to be blessed with having children when so many can't.
Essie, I was merely using the bows and tutus as a symbolic shortcut. The pink overload is something I actually have no interest in. However, I do still long for the special relationship between a mother and a daughter. Not that it's is better or comparable to the relationship with my sons - just different and something I'd like to experience!
As the 5th and youngest daughter I can tell you that it was a struggle growing up knowing that my parents really wanted a son. Even though they loved me and they were thrilled when I was born, I could always feel the guilt that I was not a boy. They never guilted me or ever on purpose would make me feel that way but just knowing what they really wanted and didn't get always followed me.
Are you serious? This almost comes across as selfish to me. So sad one would overlook the blessing of having a child because they are not delivering the gender they wanted.
Oh Maxine! That is heartbreaking! I worry about my boys feeling the same way. I hope I can make them understand that I did want them so much. Disappointment is probably not quite the right word for it because it implies I'm disappointed with my present situation, which I am not. Rather I'm disappointed in the future I imagined the might not come to pass. Does that makes sense?
Anna, you didn't say anything I haven't thought myself. Unfortunately, shame is not the cure for these feelings. If it was, I would have stopped feeling this way long ago.
I do want to say I never ever take the blessing that is my children for granted. I feel such gratitue for them at times it feels like my heart will break in two. I don't want to give them back or trade them or even go back in time and change the outcome. It's just hard to envision one future (which as an only child I did a lot of) and then realize it might not be.
How can you justify these feelings after reading and learning about what other women went through in your Strengh Series?
This post seems rather trite compared to the more significant struggles endured by other parents and, let's be honest, other people in general. My heart breaks when I think of relatives and friends who have endured angst, frustration, and heartbreak in their efforts to conceive a child. I think it's time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
Lainey, I don't try to justify feelings. Feelings are what they are. Should I not feel the pain of an argument with my husband because my friend recently got divorced? Should I not have been upset when my husband lost his job because someone else lost her husband?
That's not really how it works. Perspective is important but it doesn't take away the emotions.
In my experience, the only way to work through how you are feeling about anything is to be honest with yourself about how you are feeling and why you are feeling that way.
Point of information related to use of the word "gender" :
The distinction between sex and gender is a concept that distinguishes sex, the biological composition of an individual's reproductive anatomy, from gender, an individual's lifestyle often culturally learned.
Gerri, thanks for reminding everyone of the sex/gender distinction. It's an important one. - TOS
Sarah Stewart Holland: I think some of the readers have raised the point about perspective because don't you feel that if you have some it better helps you sort through and cope with emotions? If you know the issue your feelings relate to isn't as serious as other issues you've dealt with or could deal with, don't you generally loose less sleep and move past it sooner? Does the constant focus on those emotions give them more power or does it rob them of it?
- TOS
Yes, I do. In fact, the point of the post was to offer a form of perspective to those feeling the same way. Not necessarily guilt-inducing perspective which says you should feel bad for feeling this way because others have it worse, but perspective from someone who has been there and moved through it. I wanted others moms out there struggling with these emotions to know I understood, that what they were feeling was valid, and that it gets better with time. - SSH
Some perspective would be to appreciate the bottom line and that is you were able to conceive, carry and birth a healthy child. In the end, having perspective should guide you to understand that not having the sex of the baby you really wanted isn't all that catastrophic compared to all the other truly unfortunate things that could have. You can't compare the disappointment of not having a daughter but instead a son to the disappointment of so many other things that can happen and has happened during a pregnancy. It's not fair to those who really have struggled with some very serious issues regarding pregnancy as a whole.
Well said, Savannah. It's amusing that people would need tips on how to speak to someone with "gender disappointment" as if it's akin to other serious medical conditions or personal traumas. Life is full of disappointments and setbacks and not every one of those requires a reference manual.
After reading this blog and the comments, I want to thank Sarah for writing such a thoughtful post about a difficult topic. Clearly Sarah is not saying that the emotions over having only boys or only girls is tantamount to the challenges some people face who cannot have a child, challenges of losing a child, or an ill child. The Salt & Nectar blog does an excellent job at showing perspective and balance in the worries of parents.
As the mom of two boys, I can relate to this blog. Every night I give prayers of thanks for two healthy and happy children because that is what is most important in my life. However, despite my fierce love for these very much wanted and amazing little boys, every now and then when I am buying girl baby gifts for a friend expecting a girl or watching a mom/daughter together, the thought pops into my head that I may never get to experience having a daughter. I have even had dreams about having a girl, so it is clearly a thought in my subconscious.
Is this the most important concern in my life? Absolutely not. Probably not even in my top 100 worries. But, is it something that occasionally pops into my head? Yes. And reading this blog was a helpful way for me to relate to other moms who also think about this too.
My kids sleep at night. They do. And don't call me or make plans before 10:30am because they sleep till 9:30am every day. My 3 year old can read. Not full books, but he sounds out words and can reach simple 1st Reader books. And they eat. Don't offer then a goldfish or apple piece because they will eat everything you have. ---Whew! Feels good to say all that, because i spend my days being silent in conversation with parents whose kids don't eat, sleep, or are surprised by the strengths of my kids. But because I've been blessed with some great fortunes, I feel GUILTY opening my mouth in fear of bragging. AND NOW, as i am trying to have a third, and actually counting days and only being intimate on certain days to increase the odds of a Girl, I'm also supposed to feel guilty about that too!?!?!?! I was smiling at this post because its real. Its what you innately feel when in this situation. It does not make you look at anything else less important, and it doesn't change your priorities of a healthy baby, or feeling a blessing of the one you get (boy or girl), its just a piece of the puzzle that is Life as a Parent. - great post (at a perfect time for me)
Well said article and well said comment Rebecca! I too am the mom of 2 boys. I married later in life and may not have a chance to have a 3rd, so yeah, I was disappointed when I found out #2 was also a boy. It took me a few weeks to grieve the loss of the dream of having a girl. (which does not mean i dreamed of NOT being a mom to boys) Just like people dream of making it "big" and have to get over the disappointment of not making it big or someone who really really wants to be a doctor but flunks out of medical school...so too, having kids is wrapped up into various dreams that we create for ourselves growing up. It is natural, healthy and part of the process if you ask me. SHAME on all you women out there lambasting one woman's honest and open opinions and feelings!!! And to even imply that she might not love her boys the same or may somehow affect them is evil. After observing countless mother/daughter interactions through various friends, I can honestly say "I Thank G-d that he knew me better than myself to give me boys!"
Thank you for you comment, Rebecca. I'm guessing our list of worries is pretty similar. ;)
I love it, Rachael! Did you read my post about sleeping? Sounds like we're on the same page. As far as food, I say my kids like see-food. If they see it, they will eat it, ESPECIALLY Amos. That includes dog food! Your comment totally cracked me up and made me smile so I'm glad I could return the favor. :)
I think it's how the piece was written. What I took from it was that not having a daughter was the worst thing that could have happened and how it's a daily struggle. To me and this is just me thinking out loud or by words, I just don't see how it can be so much of a daily struggle just because you didn't have the daughter you wanted. I know when I was pregnant the sex of my baby was care #2387. I was more focused on baby health, my health, arranging maternity leave and things like that. Again, this is just me not understanding the severity of not carrying the daughter you wanted and even suggesting therapy. Again, this is just what I got from reading.
I'm a little surprised and confused by the disapproval about this post. It seems like it's always helpful to know how best to talk to someone who is struggling. How can it be bad to better understand another person's difficulty, even (and maybe especially) if you don't share their experience?
I should probably mention that I was one of the contributors to the Strength Series. My son has significant medical and developmental disabilities. I don't find it at all offensive or selfish that a woman would strongly desire a child of a particular sex just like I don't take offense when people hold health up as a supremely important attribute in a child.
SSH has walked closely by me through my own difficult road to motherhood, so I can say with confidence that she does not suffer from a lack of perspective. In fact, it is because she DOES see the big picture that she is able to recognize and validate struggles of all kinds. And that's a good thing.