A Mom's Response To The 'Busy' Trap
I recognized myself immediately in Tim Kreider’s The ‘Busy’ Trap. An opinion piece for the New York Times that eloquently and concisely called our society out for its addiction to “busyness” and extolled another way.
Now, I am “busy” in the truest sense of the word. Meaning, I have a lot of obligations. I have a three-year-old that never sits down. I have a 13-month-old that has a real passion for seeking out choking hazards. I have three part-time jobs that require dedicated time to read, write, and email. I have a kitchen floor that will not. stay. clean.
However, as Kreider points out, much of my busyness is self-imposed. True, caring for my children and home is not optional. Neither is my work. However, I do often stumble upon chunks of time when these responsibilities are not demanding my immediate attention. Yet, in those moments, I just can’t seem to stop.
Almost everyone I know is busy. They feel anxious and guilty when they aren’t either working or doing something to promote their work.
That’s the line from the piece where I started nodding because that is exactly how I feel. I could always be doing more - more to promote the blog, more writing, more work on my class, more advertising sales, more, more, more. And it’s not just my paying jobs, I consider my home my place of work so I feel constantly driven to work when I’m at home. After all, as many of you know so well, there is always more laundry to fold, more cleaning to do, more clutter to clear. I truly feel guilty if I sit down at the end of the day and am not “working” on something - be it a knitted gift for a friend, clearing my email, or uploading photos.
I stinking multi-task during my downtime.
Busyness serves as a kind of existential reassurance, a hedge against emptiness; obviously your life cannot possibly be silly or trivial or meaningless if you are so busy, completely booked, in demand every hour of the day.
Now, I’m not hedging my bet against emptiness. I don’t need to justify my existence. However, I did realize while reading this article that I’m attempting to justify what I consider my two main roles.
Mother and writer.
Staying-at-home to care for my children is one of the best decisions I have ever made. However, it is not exactly a job people value in the traditional sense. I don’t get paid or promoted. Heck, some don’t even consider it a job. Writing is my passion and something I’m trying desperately to turn into a career. However, I still get paid very little for the work I do and don’t have a typical job with the steady pay check and benefits.
Reading Kreider’s piece I realized the link in my life between busyness and value. I hate that I don’t contribute more to my family in the traditional financial sense. I see friends who have worked since college or law school and the kind of paychecks they bring home and all I feel is shame. Staying busy is how I attempt to prove to those around me, most importantly to myself, that I am contributing and that I do have worth.
Obviously, I do real work because I’m working all the time!
Of course, I have to ask at what cost? If I’m too “busy” responding to email to play with my son, then why am I home to begin with? If I’m too “busy” creating writing obligations to sit down and dedicate myself to my craft, what is the point? If I’m too “busy” cleaning my couch to ever actually sit on it, has my home become a haven or a hell?
I don’t know the answers but this essay got me asking the questions.
Do you feel a drive to be busy? How do you avoid the “busyness” trap?
~ Sarah Stewart Holland
12 Comments
Reader Comments (12)
Great post, but it's also the time in your life! As you know as you get older and your children are grown you do have time to slow down!
I hope so! :)
This article reminded me of the time when cell phones were still relatively new. People would stop mid-sentence while talking to me to answer their cell phone. People would intrude on any previously quiet sanctuary to hold conversations. To me it spoke volumes about their own self-importance.
He mentions the same self-importance reflected in the statement, "I'm just so BUSY!"
The most common response people have when seeing my latest sewing project or learning that I'm training for a marathon is "I'm just too busy to have time for that." I just nod and smile. They have no idea how condescending their statement sounds, and they certainly don't want to hear that I train before dawn or sew late at night.
There are times I've said "no" because I have other priorities that require my time. Keeping my priorities in view is crucial. I refuse to overcommit us. Refuse. We embrace idleness. It's part of committing to a simple life.
Once again, you and I are totally in sync! The other day I worked from 830am-4pm and at 4pm I realized that my attempts to work while being sick as a dog were becoming more futile as the day progresse and I was going to take "sick time" from 4-6pm until the kids came home. Even though I work for my own company, I felt so guilty crawling into bed and being sick and not being productive. Finally I realized that as my own boss, I need to be able to own my choice to watch a movie and take care of myself while I am sick. I don't do well not being busy -- but I am trying to work on it!
At the risk of upsetting you, may I suggest that you disconnect from your iPhone. It nearly cost you your chin and it occupies a lot of your attention (just an honest observation). I think the power of that technology and the access it provides us actually contributes to our guilt over not doing something because the phone makes it so easy to attend to things...why wouldn't we?! Just an idea for a little breathing room and one that I am trying to embrace too.
- TOS
Michelle, who knew the pursuit of simplicity would be so dang hard!?!
Rebecca, I know! I saw some very fun painting on your Facebook page though so I'm hoping you are feeling better and enjoying some down time!
Hey! iPhone usage while far from home isn't a fair comparison. I live in a small town if I miss a day of gossip I might has well have missed a year! ;)
I would love to hear your strategies for disconnecting though!
I also think disconnecting from the iPhone is a great idea. I have mixed results, but I find that sometimes it's good to purposely lose it at the bottom of my enormous work purse..."Oh, it's not out on the table or in it's usual pocket, guess I'll have to make do without it for a few hours." :)
Michelle, I've been trying (with modest success) taking a Sabbath from technology on Sundays. It is NOT easy. I even forget and wake up grab my phone instinctively in the mornings!
I totally understand what you mean. It's been a long and hard journey for me to learn how to really take time for myself and my family, but I am getting better. Just this weekend we were playing Monopoly and around hour 2 I kept thinking about all the stuff I needed to do. My husband took my phone and said - not today, please. I knew that the family time was more important, but I do struggle with finding that balance.
It is hard .. Plus in your defense Monopoly is the longest game known to man ;)