Having It All
In college, I had amazing female professors who attempted to instill in their impressionable young students that the woman who brings home the bacon and then fries it up in a pan was a BIG FAT LIE. I read The Second Shift and The Feminine Mistake and swallowed it all down with nary a protest. Of course, it was absurd to expect perfection in both at home and at work!
Now that I’m facing the hard truth of this reality in my own life - and not from the safety of a classroom - I’m finding it a tougher pill to swallow.
I have a wonderful husband who cooks dinner every night and a supportive family that wants nothing more than to babysit for free. I have the most perfect, healthy, hilarious, intelligent 20-month-old who has ever walked the earth (objectively speaking, of course). Even better, I get to watch him grow up. I’m in the middle of an easy, healthy pregnancy, which I’m pretty sure is going to produce another work of art with chubby thighs and a gorgeous grin. I have a group of girlfriends that makes the gals from Steel Magnolias look like Queen Victoria’s knitting circle. I have a home that brings me joy every time I walk in the door, a car that runs, and a subscription to Oprah Magazine.
What I’m getting at here is that my personal life is pretty darn near perfect.
And yet...I have a law degree I don’t use and student loans accruing interest by the millisecond. I have a part-time job I enjoy but that doesn’t challenge me or pay more than a pittance. I worry that when I rejoin the workforce that I will have little to offer or that it will be too late. I worry that I picked the wrong career. Or I worry that I picked the right career and have robbed myself of valuable experience by staying home. I worry a lot.
Then a few weeks ago, I stopped, took a deep breath, and realized that this was EXACTLY what those wise women’s studies professors were warning me about!
Of course, I am not alone in facing this problem. After reaching out to aforementioned group of fabulous girlfriends, I realized that we are all facing different versions of the same challenge. Some have jobs they love that don’t allow anytime for a personal life. Some have great personal lives AND successful careers but worry maybe they are in the wrong profession. Like me, some have amazing personal lives but fear there is another big part of their lives missing.
What I’m suggesting to all of us is that we give ourselves a big old break. It is unrealistic at best and panic-inducing at worst to expect fulfillment in every area of our lives. There are successful, satisfied women who have put all their eggs in one basket and hoped for the best. I’m sure Gloria Steinem wonders what it would be like to have children and grandchildren. I’m sure Michelle Duggar wonders what it would be like to have an office with a view and a secretary. But luckily for them (and all of us) happiness doesn’t mean never wondering what might have been.
Plus, what I desperately try to remind myself of everyday is that I might eventually have it all...just not all at once.
~ Sarah Stewart Holland
career, family, motherhood in Careers, Motherhood, Transitions, Work/Life Balance 
Reader Comments (7)
So true :)
This is funny, because I was mentioning to someone the other day that I have this friend who is on baby number 2 and makes fabulous looking homemade pop-tarts and used to be nicknamed "Gunner" in law school and I was wondering if you were missing the career aspect at all. I think you are right - we have different paths in life. After some searching I found a job I love and a man I love, but whether his job and my job will work when we hopefully have children I don't know. Until then, I'm hustling all I can so that my soon-to-be husband can stay home with the kids (since his job is really the problem and I spent more on grad school than he did) and I can be the sugar mama :)
Spot on...as a life without choices would be no life at all. The issue it seems to me is that the conversation so often revolves around the choices a women has to/does make rather than conversations about why paternity leave at most companies is still a joke, maternity leave at even liberal companies often means using disability leave (which really irritates me as pregnancy shouldn't be viewed a disability but rather an enhancement of possibility and fecundity), and nursing rooms (for example at my own graduate institution) are often converted utility closets with a card table chair and a tiny sink.
I wonder everyday of my life if Jon and I have made the right decisions. Its tough to be apart as much as he and I are, but I know that both of us are doing exactly what we want to do with our lives in our respective professions (not necessarily in our personal lives). I don't know if we'll ever be ready to think about someone other than ourselves for longer than ten minutes, but we're certainly working on it. What scares me more than anything is that the last of my childhood friends has, in fact, decided to have a child and is currently four months along in her pregnancy. She's an upper exec at NBC in NYC, and plans on staying in NYC to raise her child. She's also not planning on leaving her job. I guess it all comes down to making yourself happy, and then those around you will be happy too...at least I hope so...
Sarah,
I've run across your blog just as I'm starting to have these thoughts as well - met the perfect man, just bought a house, and thinking of some more significant family decisions in the near future - but can't possibly quit my job (see house item above). When my sister-in-law offered to nanny for any of my future children at market rates (since she has quit and stays home full time), I started feeling cheated. I'm not sure how I'm going to make this work, but its nice to know i'm not the only person sititng here feeling like the decisions I have made might require that I miss out on things down the road... (love the blog - good to see you're doing so well)
[...] the sentiment of my Having It All post from last [...]
Wow, lately this seems to be the topic with all my girlfriends. Basically what I write about as well. Not doing it all and being okay with it. If you're not okay with it, you don't get to enjoy the aspects of life you are fully partaking. Great post.