The Sleep Wars
Do NOT let the smile fool you.I hate the big boy bed. I hate it with the burning passion of three thousand suns.
You know who else I hate? The smug mother who wrote about her baby sleeping 13 hours a night before he had hit toddlerdom. WHAT WAS I THINKING? It's like when I put on Facebook that Griffin was potty trained only to be faced with not one, not two, not three but FOUR accidents the next day.
So, here we are. EVERY naptime. EVERY night. Facing a bedtime battle royale. I'm at the end of my rope.
When we first put him in his big boy bed, he didn't seem to understand he could get out...for about three weeks. Then, he started getting up ... a lot. At first, we just decided he wasn't ready for a big boy bed and turned that sucker back around so he couldn't get out. That worked for about a month. Then, he figured out how to climb out.
Next, we committed ourselves to Supernanny's technique. We would pick up him and put him back in bed and pick him up and put him back in bed. Over and over and over. We caved a few times and yelled. We got in fight ourselves over what was the right thing to do. A couple of nights it worked but what they never show on Supernanny is they might go to sleep that night but they do it ALL AGAIN THE NEXT NIGHT.
I wondered if he just needed more attention. We went for long walks before naptime. We read more books before bed. Nothing changed. I tried to recommit myself. I thought maybe picking him up was too much attention. Instead I would lightly touch his back and redirect him to bed. That worked really well...about three times.
God save me, one night I even spanked him. Something I swore I would never do.
Feeling guilty from going too far to one extreme, we went too far in the other direction and started laying down with him. That didn't work either. He would just chatter and fidget and pull my hair.
We tried to find a currency that would work. We told him if he got up he couldn't watch videos. Five days later, the television and iPad sat silent. We told him if he got up he couldn't have his beloved play-doh. No dice.
On Saturday night, my entire family was over and we all decided to completely ignore him when he got up. He got up and begged and pleaded for attention for about an hour. Finally, he stood at my side and cried for me to put him to bed. I told him I wasn't going to do that because he just got up and I couldn't trust him. He let out the saddest cry on the planet. Then, low and behold, walked his happy butt back to bed and went to sleep.
I thought (and prayed) that maybe that would be it. The next day he actually told us he was tired and wanted to go to bed. We put him in bed and - you guessed it!- he got up.
Maybe we just need to face facts that no approach is going to work in one night or even one week. Maybe we just need to put him back in bed for an hour every night until he's out of this godforsaken developmental phase but I've got to be honest - merely typing that sentence made me want to crawl in bed and cry. I'm not sure I have it in me.
So, here I am Internet, prostrate and begging for guidance. If you have the answer, let me know. If you have the secret, let me know. If you have a sedative safe for toddlers, I'll send you my address!
I don't think I have many of these battles left in me and am hoping deseprately for an end to the war.
~ Sarah Stewart Holland
bedtime, big boy bed, naps, super nanny, toddlers in Confessionals, Motherhood, Parenthood 
Reader Comments (11)
Oh, friend. I have no advice to offer on this issue, but I can certainly relate to feeling you've tried everything and even things you *never* thought you would do.
You mentioned family visiting-- does he do the same thing when your mom and Stepdad are keeping him and you guys aren't there? Our kids act totally differently when the grandparents are in charge (usually in a good way).
We are moving Daniel to the "big boy" bed this weekend, so I'll be following these comments with interest!
Michelle, I know you'll appreciate my newest solution. I've started listening to Pop Culture Happy Hour while putting him back in bed over and over. It makes it so much more pleasant!
I am in the same exact boat! I was just talking to Sarah about it at a baby shower on Saturday. I am going OUT OF MY MIND! I'm not sure if you'll like my solution, but on Friday I broke down and ordered a crib tent. We are putting her crib back together and then going to use that. I'll let you know how it goes. One thing I know is that she is not getting near as much sleep as she used to.
Does your son eventually nap? My daughter will be so tired she will get out of her bed and then just sit on the floor in her room. It's crazy. It's like because they CAN they somehow have this drive to get out. We even tried taking all of the toys out of her room at bed time so that she would have nothing to do in her room when she did get out of bed. That helped a little.... but she still got out. The crib tent should arrive in the mail today....
I know it's easy to get overwhelmed with information, but this timely blog article from the famous Sleep Lady popped up in my inbox and it covers her suggestions for keeping toddlers in bed. Maybe it will help?
http://www.sleeplady.com/toddlersleep/getting-your-toddler-to-stay-in-bed/
Also, let's keep this dialogue going / updated, so everyone can benefit from the tips learned in the trenches.
- TOS
i love this entry so much. my daughter will be 4 next month and we have been through everything you described over the last 3 years! i will be thinking about you tonight during my 2 hour struggle to my daughter down tonight.
I feel you! My daughter made me one of those moms you hate because she slept so well until one night. I don't know what happened or what it was but something changed! Then for the next 9 months or so we had to deal with the bedtime battle. For the last parts of those months we caved and let her sleep with us - wishing we didn't do that but oh well. We tried everything - new pajamas, new bed, new bedroom set What finally won the battle - and I'm ashamed to admit this but it's worked very well for the last 5 months. We put a tv in her room! I was not going to be one of those parents who did that, but now I am. My husband and I watch the news before we go to bed and I think she got accustomed to that when she slept with us. At least she is watching Sprouts now instead of Law and Order SVU ;) She's not a tv junkie so I don't have to worry about that but now she loves going to bed in time to watch Caillou and falls asleep right after that is over! All we do is set the sleep timer for about 45 minutes and then we don't have to worry about turning the tv off.
Not the answer probably anyone wants to hear - but it worked for us and our 3 year old daughter is getting better sleep now than she has in a long time because she's not fighting us and not sleeping in our bed! Good luck :)
Oh wow, I can't tell you how much I can relate to this!! My son is almost 4 now and he has been in his big boy bed for almost 2 years! At the beginning I really thought I might lose my mind because he would NOT stay in bed! Every excuse in the book came out of that child's mouth, from "I'm thirsty" to "there is a monster in my closet," to "I have to go potty!" I mean the list just went on and on. We did the thing where we just took him back to bed until he realized we weren't going to give in, we gave in a lot just out of pure exhaustion and desperation. We scolded him and then began putting him in time out after we realized it had become a game. I felt guilty as heck about it but didn't know what else to do. The times we put him on time out, he would go to bed but I felt like it just wasn't right and he was going to bed some how distressed! It seems like toddlers are in constant transition, so we had to really start to think about his nap schedule and how early or late we were actually putting him to bed. Every situation is different and for us it helped to ensure he got an earlier nap and if he didn't we couldn't expect him to be tired enough to really fall asleep at the same time every night. We kind of go with the flow now and go day by day. If he hasn't had a nap, it's to bed early and as long as he gets a few books read to him and a little one on one time with Mommy and Daddy, it seems to be enough. If he had a nap or even a later nap, we have to accommodate that and be realistic. So then he's up a little later and we go along with our schedule at a later time which I HATE! My husband is really good about tiring him out if he's got pent up energy, tackle, football, chase, wrestling, whatever it takes! Getting him to settle into a real schedule for us, I don't think will happen until he's in KIndergarten or so when his daily schedule is super consistent. I hope this helps in some way! As we speak he's trying to fart on me and pretending to pee on me, and he hasn't had a nap yet! With my husband out of town on business, I'm praying for an early night to bed and a night alone with me and Tivo!
I feel for you. I'm going through the same thing with our three year old. He refuses to sleep in his bed and keeps climbing in my seven year olds bed. I also have a two year old...which I won't get started on. Good luck!!
I recently watched a movie called "Another Earth". In the movie, the lead character tells a story about a cosmonaut on his 4 week mission in orbit around the Earth (I don't know if the story is factual, but that's not important).
The story goes like this: Several hours into this 4 week mission the cosmonaut starts to notice a regular tapping noise. Nothing seems to be wrong except that this tapping noise continues. After a few hours of the tapping noise, the cosmonaut feels like he'll go crazy if the noise doesn't end. He thinks about how he still has weeks left in his mission and he'll have to listen to this tapping noise for the WHOLE mission. So, he decides that the only way to survive the mission with his sanity is to fall in love with the noise. He uses his imagination and finally decides to think of the noise as music. It works and he spends the rest of his mission hearing all sorts of wonderful music in his head as he listens to the noise.
So, my advice for your non-sleeping child is this (and I've had to deal with my fair share of this problem -- even now that my kids are 6 and 9): Embrace the fact that your child won't sleep! Think of it this way, you get to spend more time with your child. 30 years from now when he has his own place, a job, perhaps a family, you'll think back and you won't think about how hard it was that he wouldn't sleep.
I know you're tired and you need a break sometimes and it would be nice if they would just stay asleep, but children all live by their own internal clocks and some need (or just want) less sleep than others. Just stay strong and try to enjoy every minute you have to spend putting him back in bed. Keep reading stories to him, especially. In fact, I find that reading material above their level tends to put them to sleep (I read Harry Potter to my daughter when she was 3 -- note that I'm not necessarily saying that Harry Potter is written above a 3 year old level, but that's another discussion).
Good luck and stay strong! You're a wonderful mother just for trying!
My situation is similar but in a different way. He back tracked. We switched him to a big boy bed when he was 3. He did amazing slept through the night never got up super early..perfectly normal....THEN! out of nowhere we couldn't put him to sleep in his bed..he would get right back up we have to let him fall asleep on the couch or floor and carry him to sleep where he stays asleep unless bad dream etc which is rare. But he refuses to go to sleep in his bed...and he will be 4 in feb. Idk what we are gonna do when he's to heavy to carry!
Thanks everyone! Even if no one has that miracle solution (or sedative!), it helps SO MUCH to just know I'm not alone. :) - SSH